IMAGO COUNSELING

When we are born, we are in a state of wholeness, and if our caretakers are attuned to our needs, we remain psychologically whole, or rather, in a state of ‘aliveness’. However, even in a highly nurturing environment, there are the demands of society’s behavioral expectations and there is no such thing as a perfect parent or caregiver. They are not able every minute of every day to nurture precisely each demand and need. Perhaps our caregivers are stressed from everyday life, they need to go to work and leave us in the care of another, they are emotionally distant or incredibly protective. Whatever it is, even when intention is good, we cannot sustain perfection. Our parents are human too. You are human too. Our unmet needs create pain and fear, and during these experiences as a child we aim to sustain our connection with our caregiver, even at the sacrifice of ourselves. Parts of ourselves die in order for the connection to survive. This is why children often fear opening up to and communicating their experiences with a parent - they protect their connection with their caregiver. As a child, maintaining connection may have meant learning to be quieter because a caregiver was so stressed, maybe it meant withdrawing to avoid reactivity, maybe they were so busy working to provide us with our needs and security that you found yourself alone. Perhaps you learned to work really hard at school or in sports because you received more love and praise when you achieved something, or maybe you had so much freedom that you had to figure things out for yourself. Whatever our experience, even in the best of conditions, we denied and repressed some of our own needs and developed coping mechanisms in order to protect our connections, to feel a sense of belonging, and experience some sort of approval. This left our ‘wholeness’ and ‘aliveness’ with lost parts of ourselves that our parents or society found less acceptable or even unloveable. These patterns are carried from generation to generation, and are usually expressed in the same or opposite manner of unmet needs. Despite our best efforts, these unmet needs filter into our relationships and families and experiences of the world, and though we try to be the best parent, in-law, step mom or dad, child, etc we will inevitably feel the triggers and unmet needs of the past because the unconscious agenda of our psyche is to restore the parts of ourselves that we lost or diminished as children, and to return to wholeness as an adult with our partners and families. Through the Imago Dialogue, we create a safe space where all members of the family, young and old, have a voice and valid opinion. This in default allows us to start to notice patterns or cycles that sustain problems and learn to approach these in alternative ways that promote solidarity and connection. The Imago Dialogue helps identify and meet the deeper unmet needs in order to shift towards wholeness for parents, and maintain wholeness as a child. We will learn to communicate with each other in ways that prevent getting caught in ongoing conflict in the future, and embrace closer, more intimate connections with each other.